Public Groomers Need Not Apply

Okay, New York. I have had just about enough. I have been very tolerant of the enormous flaws in your late night/weekend public transportation. I endure the incessant sirens and honking and the elderly in their Sunday best shooting snot rockets onto the streets. I have learned to avert my gaze from the constant public urination (because, let’s face it-given the subway situation here even I have been close to joining the crowd). But what I cannot, will not, absolutely refuse to condone is public grooming. Specifically clipping one’s finger and toenails in public: on the trains, in the library, in church (holy nastiness).
Case in point: Dan was innocently commuting to Hofstra the other day when he heard the familiar “clip, clip” of the nail clippers. Briefly averting his attention from his paper, Dan had time to make a disgusted face before becoming engrossed in his article again. And then it happened: a sharp, dangerous crescent came shooting toward him launched by the filthy offender. We are lucky Dan is still with us today, as the bioweapon merely arched threateningly over the seat and landed on Dan’s newspaper. I shudder to think of what might have happened had Dan been helplessly mid-yawn and the trajectory of the Chinese star slightly altered.
I am disgusted and outraged by this behavior, it cannot continue. I am here to rally a following to put a stop to this socially corrupt practice. We need signs and support! Why should “no smoking” and “no spitting” and “no knife fighting” signs dominate our walls when there is a real threat to our quality of life at stake? Why should we always be forced to wear safety glasses while commuting? There needs to be repercussions in place to discourage this debauchery in the future; perhaps disabling the offender’s “clippin’ hand” or securing them in straight jackets while in public. I am still working on the particulars of the punishments, any suggestions and/or donations are welcome. Until we can get this thing under control, I implore you all to protect yourselves and to stand up for what is hygienic.